Sunday, September 30, 2012

Humble apologies and ramblings



I want to start with the most sincere of apologies. But, I will get to that a little later….
I have struggled this past year to focus. Even now I want to get some words out on a page and I struggle to find the ones that fit. Some of you will say, “Matt, you have had such a hard year. We understand.” To be sure, this past year has been full of so many twists and turns. The highs have been extremely high, but the lows have been lower than I could have ever imagined. I don’t want those highs or lows to dictate the way I respond to life that is happening all around me. In fact, this might be the hardest part of all of these things. There are so many things that can remind, often painfully, that Graham is not with us. And it is not always the obvious things like newborn babies. I find myself catching a random moment only to realize the painful truth: in that moment - something is missing. Life has a cruel way of not pausing for us to catch up. 

In the middle of this, we talk about the future a lot lately. I am getting close to graduation; we need to look at ministry jobs; we are back in the swing of preaching at the retirement center; we talk about trying to grow our family again. There are too many variables to really understand what the future might hold specifically. But, I am keenly aware of something stirring deep within me. But I don’t have the capacity to quantify it. As cliché as this might sound: I only hope that from these moments on, I can grow to be the man, husband and father that God has called me to be. 

It has been about 6 months of silence. Not just on this silly blog (which I never updated anyway). But 6 months of no Caring Bridge, no returned emails, no Facebook posts, no returned letters, even conversations with people have lacked connection. This is the apology part. I am deeply sorry to all of you, my sweet friends and family. So many of you have been so encouraging, such a blessing in the midst of the struggle of my family. Your letters, emails, posts, phone calls have all been received and consumed with fury of a thirsty man finding a hidden oasis. But I have not responded in kind to your sweet blessings. I am sorry. It is my hope to slowly rectify this. 

Part of it started that Saturday morning after Graham was gone. We woke up in a quiet hospital room. A huge pit in my stomach, one question I kept repeating to myself was “How do I begin to process this?” I began to write some emails to let everyone know about Graham. I wanted to post a blog, to start the grieving and recovery process. I started with the one I thought would be easiest, a letter to my professors talking about not being in class and updating them on our situation. My professors had been gracious servants of my family. It took me over an hour to write two paragraphs. I cried so much, I couldn’t even see the screen. I hesitated to write anything else after that. Only the things that “had” to be completed would be. Part of that was Erin, she does such a beautiful job with her blog http://www.whatweredugan.com/ , I know that my ramblings would be lacking in comparison. Not to mention, that many of the things she poured out were the same I was feeling. I go to seminary, plagiarism is not allowed. 

But this thing that is stirring inside, I have to get it out somehow. I need others to hear of the grace that God gives to me each day. I was told by one of my professors to remember that grief is not a linear process. You don’t move gradually down the line of anger, hurt, depression, etc. Rather, grief is cyclical. I might deal with anger at one point and be done with it, only for it to come back in 6 months or 6 years with a whole new process. The parts of Grief all ebb and flow with the passage of time. I need to deal with what is going on now. After all, I understand fully that we are not guaranteed anything more than what we have now. I want to make the most of “now.”

Friday, February 3, 2012

Delivery Day

Today is a day that I knew was coming but almost felt like it would never come. We are going to the hospital this morning, my wife Erin has a C-section scheduled for 12:30pm at Baylor All Saints Downtown Fort Worth. We get to welcome our son Graham into our arms.

I want to thank each of you that have been so faithful with your prayers during all that has happened over the past few months. God has sustained both the body of my son and the hearts of my wife and me. I know that he will continue to be faithful, never leaving us for even one second.

I would lift a couple of prayer requests to you this morning:

1. First that the surgery would go smoothly for my wife and son, that there would be no complications from the actual procedure.

2. That Graham’s lungs would be able to breathe on their own once his umbilical cord is cut. Or at the very least he has some progress of lung development that would be increased through the aid of a breathing machine.

3. That Erin would be discharged as a patient as quickly as possible so that she can see Graham in the N-ICU. This especially becomes important if they transfer him to Cooks Children’s Hospital and Erin has to stay at Baylor.

4. That no matter what happens this morning, we would have the strength to give God the true worship he deserves.

We have great faith in our doctors and the people caring for our family. But they can’t save Graham. If healing comes, it will be from God alone.

To Him be the praise, Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Friday, October 21, 2011

The surgery was a big success. We had an ultrasound this morning. We were able to see plenty of amniotic fluid around him. His bladder was deflated and the the shunt they had placed appeared to be doing its job. The doctors are a little concerned with how it is placed. Apparently it is not hanging out of his abdomen/bladder as much as the doctors would like. The are overall pleased with everything though. We are now in a "holding pattern." We will have a sonogram every week until Graham is born. We hope that Graham is able to develop in the womb until February. We hope that the shunt is able to stay in place. We know that God is the ultimate healer. We wait patiently on Him. 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Good Time at the Hospital

I am pleased to report that the surgery went well this morning. Erin was such a trooper and God really sustained her during the process. Baby Graham received the shunt well, and the doctor said that he was very pleased by how the whole process went. We have an ultrasound in the morning and they are expecting to release Erin after a good report. We will most likely leave Houston on Saturday morning. We are just praying that God continues to keep the shunt in place and that it accomplishes the purpose that it was created for (I feel a sermon illustration in there somewhere….). We are super excited about what has happened up to this point, and are anxious to see his ultimate outcome. Graham is safe inside His hands. We are resting on His perfect love to get us through.

2 Thess 3: 16 – “Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all.”

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

We are waiting patiently for Erin and Graham's surgery tomorrow. We have to report at 6:30am, and the procedure will happen at 8:30am. Hopefully, Erin will be out of the operating in about an hour. There is just so much we don't know. The doctors again this morning during the pre-op appointment were very clear to remind us of all the statistics and possibilities. The hard part is that not one of the doctors can accurately predict the outcome of Graham's life. They can't with any clarity point to an eventual outcome of the journey we are now on. This surgery is not going to fix Graham's problem. It is merely going to bypass his blockage. We find ourselves faced with the reality that God is ultimately in control. However much we want to influence or contribute, we are left powerless. We are driven to our knees in hope and petition.

Monday, October 17, 2011

A Little Humor Can Go A Long Way....

We will be leaving tomorrow evening to go to Houston for Erin and Graham's surgery which will be on Thursday. We are a little on the nervous side, but we are still confident that God will carry us through. He is the one we look to for ultimate healing, we know that He is able beyond measure. Personally, I have committed by my wife and my son into His hands, I pray He returns them safe to me. But, above all, I pray for His will to be done.

So, in light of the heaviness that is upon us and those that have been praying for us. I wanted to let y'all in on a conversation that happened between Erin and Parker. We were driving to get Parker a haircut while down in Houston. Erin is really good at sustaining conversation with Parker. But this one had some unforeseen humor. I couldn't resist laughing out loud.

Erin: Parker, Do you see those cows over there?
Parker: Yeah!
Erin: What are they doing?
Parker: You tell me. (Parker's new favorite phrase to just about any question we ask him....)
Erin: Are they eating?
Parker: Yeah!
Erin: What are they eating
Parker: Grass.
Erin: Does Parker eat grass?
Parker: (with a cheesy grin on his face) Nooo!
Erin: That's right. What does Parker eat?
Parker: Dinner.
Erin: That's right. What else does Parker eat?
Parker: Snack.

I had trouble paying attention to the road at this point. I love the simplicity that Parker sees the world through. It keeps me grounded. Tonight we had a really horrible bath time, that involved three swats to his bare bottom by his daddy. I hate the discipline part of parenting. But, Parker doesn't know that God wants him to honor his mommy and daddy. We have to explain that to him. He sees things so differently. Throughout this whole ordeal with baby Graham, he has been such a trooper. He knows that Graham and Mommy are not feeling well. But we pray every night that God will help them to feel better. He really believes that Jesus cares about them, and that Jesus is going to make them better. He doesn't know anything else. He truly has a childlike faith. He trusts so freely. I may be the one that God has entrusted to show Parker the lessons of life and the Bible. But I definitely have some lessons to learn from my son.

May God grant us the faith like Parker has. That we trust Him freely and cast all our cares at His Feet. God alone is able, He alone is worthy of our praise.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Immeasurably More

God is truly great! Able to do immeasurably more than we can ever ask or imagine. He is Mighty in power, Great in His faithfulness, Caring in His comfort. He is the mountain mover and the Great Healer. If I were to continue for my entire life, I would run out of time before I ran out of words to describe God's glory.

We heard the results of Graham's final urine test. All his ranges were in the "normal" category. This means that Graham's kidneys are at least functioning in some form or fashion. That means that the surgery we have been waiting for will be able to take place. That means that Graham will have a great chance at making it to a live birth fully developed.

Let me be clear, this is a huge hurdle that we have bounded. But the surgery is not designed to fix the blockage in Graham. It simply provides a way to bypass the need for Graham to use his bladder to put amniotic fluid around him. There is no chance that this surgery can heal him. God is the only option we have for complete healing for Graham. God may choose to do just that and Graham may be born with no ill effects of any of the things we have spoken about in the past week. Or Graham may still have several problems with his kidneys, bladder, lungs or any other combination we haven't even considered.

But no matter what the outcome we experience, we will praise Him who loves us the most. We will give glory to the God that knew Graham even before time began. We will honor the Father who grieves alongside us. God is our father, Jesus is our savior and foundation. We rejoice in this great victory he has lead us through and we are ready to see what He will continue to lead us through.

Psalm 91 says that we can claim God as "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." We can make "the LORD our dwelling place," and we have. We are trying to cling as close as possible to Him, to live directly in His will. We know that he protects His saints with His mighty hand and we don't want to be out of His reach.